I am still devastated for my sister, I am sad that I didn't know how dark of a place she was in and I feel bad for her because I feel like I have also struggled in silence in the past. I can only imagine how alone she felt or maybe she felt she didn't have any other way out, maybe she didn't want to try anymore to try and brighten up such a dark world. I think that all in one instant it must have been so intense for her to decide to do what she did, to leave the world even colder than it was when she was here. It's almost two years now and I don't really know that I have completely come to terms with it, I hardly saw her, and I didn't really grow up with her but just the loneliness and immense pressure that she must have felt is the most sad. I think about her daughters and hope they will not have that pain, but knowing that they will always be reminded of it.. how one second, one moment can change so many lives forever.
I think about how society makes us feel like our emotions/struggles should be private and we shouldn't talk about our feelings because it is a sign of weakness, all the while everything is so public now. Scroll through ANY social media platform and see the countless selfies that are all indicative of wanting attention, wanting to be noticed, wanting to feel like they are seen, but everything is silent- the silence is deafening.
I wonder if my sister knew about the Lifeline, or the Crisis Text Line. I wonder if she would have been able to hold on through that fateful second by using them if she would still be alive. I am heartbroken everyday that I won't get to know my big sister and I won't get to see or hear about her great accomplishments, because I know there would've been many. But I want people to know about these resources and to feel empowered about using the textline or calling the lifeline. My hope is that if I can share a bit of my story that someone else sister, or mother, brother, or father can hold on through that one critical second and stay alive.
Every second alive is a miracle, even in the most difficult circumstance when you feel overwhelmed - I urge you to text, to call, to talk and have the courage and faith in yourself that you will live an amazing life. There isn't any shame in asking for help, in reaching out to make your struggle heard by someone- You are never alone.
In loving memory of my big sister, Tina Scott
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